-comeback.-

now now...
it's been a long time...
it feels like ages ago since i last made an entry into this blog...
it even crossed my mind to close down this blog.
or maybe change something about it to keep me coming back,
pouring my thoughts and feelings in.

now, alot is kept inside of me.
in the good way, of course.
nothing that makes me worse,
everything that makes me better.

so my birthday has passed, and i'm 19 years and 5 days old.
so i've passed through a series of portals.
they're kinda one-way for now.

much has been through my heart and mind.
and for sure one of it was her.
but lemme get to her later.
me and my mates first.

been busy lately, with alot of things.
but i still keep time for myself to chill and slowly do things.
like now.
but that's gonna change soon, i've had enough rest, i think.
time to get busier, lah.

it's time to add one more training day into this program of mine.
Saturdays.

i'm back into the designing world, the arts and the likes.
although my laptop has been giving me display problems and stuff.
well. what prompted my comeback here...?
something happened of course.
something inside and something elsewhere.
i didn't let it butterfly-bypass me, i'm the one who should be bypassing.

now, i've set it free,
i've left something behind,
i took myself to break out of a cocoon that i've built for a while.
it wasn't a real change, it was more of a shedding thing.
got out of the old skin, got the new one.

but one thing always remains.
the unchangeable past.
i know i can't change it, i need nobody to tell me that.
i know i can control the future.
but there are things i can't control.
i'm getting used to some new rules i've made i guess.

i've always thought that someday, i will return.
but the price to pay before i do is quite big.
i will pay the price, but the price is time itself.

lost that former glory.
we have something in common.
it also taught me something.

things i'm now doing.

-Music.
-Designing.
-Study. (i sense some people smiling and a few clapping.)
-Prepare for my nephew's birth.


the shadow of the wind said...."When did you lose yourselves...?"

i must remind myself...
it's always the effort i put in, not the results i get.



By Time, I Miss You.


-a man's moment of weakness. but i have some other people who need me to be strong.-

-iFEELCOLD-

blog, i'm sorry.
i haven't been updating completely.

partly because i kinda realised how much i can't treat this, this place like a personal thing anymore.

i feel frozen, solid, inside.
just frozen, shit.
COLD.

it was a blow, not a stab.
but fuuh. sebak rasa di dada. heheh.(!)

basically, there's now alot i keep within myself first and foremost before i put it anywhere.
certain things, i can't put it in here as a record that is free for people to read like an open diary.

i have to guard this very well.
i can get jumped anytime.

now, FLAP OUT OF MY WAY, i tell the darkness.
you guys better bring it out, i'm depending on you for this.

if i look at it, in some way,
i'm turning to my introvert side.
i'm trusting less now.
it's a good thing, not a bad thing, for the time being.
cuz there's few i can trust with this.
maybe...even none.

resourcefulness...
ah, i already wrote about that elsewhere where you can find me.
that's facebook of course.

well. that's about it.
nothing left that i wanna say into this blog entry.

it draws closer.
soon, i'll see a change in me.
i'll force that change.

i'll step out of this happy shell and move to a less vibrant but more soothing one.

my earpiece rosak. before that, my $50 Philips In-ear Earphones was torn.
heartpain. the wire inside tear into two, fuck right. ok ah, fuck left. always right only.

lol.
then my sports shoes tearing up into pieces.

alamak. just when i'm broke.
=_=!

well well well. school has started right.
but my mind's all about training.
well. that's it.
went out with D, she's a good one.

Biochemical no Jutsu. (Biochemical Techniques)

alright.
some people asked me.

why do i care about training so much?
why...?
why, yea...?

well.
it's just me, i just have something to prove, something to achieve.

both to myself and some doubters out there.
cuz I was somewhere, and I am elsewhere now.
I want and need to get back to where I was and even better.

ahh well.
i find the content getting similar to a month ago.
so. let's do it.
now, sleep.

well well well...

let's get straight to the point for me making this entry.

This time round, I do not feel any of that for this event.
It just doesn't feel the same.

I can't get the same feeling that I get when I do things with you guys.

The sense of satisfaction is not the same.

"The thrill of rising to success is far sweeter when achieved together than on your own."

really.

ah well, let's talk about my timeline for today.

Later on 9 am wake up go buy stuff come back pack up prepare to go to school, go do forward module registration, then come back probably gonna be 1230 alr,
meet up with bros and go solat together, come back eat like nobody's business.
pack up everything, be back in SP by 3.30.

that's my timeline.
after that, it's active rest for me.
means i'm not sleeping but i'll be resting.
I'll sleep for a while, most likely, later in the afternoon.
In the early part of the day, for sure I must go an register.
From there and then, let's be flexible.

Night Cycling tampers with your body clock.
As much as my body clock adapts very quickly and very well,
I can see the impact it has on my daily life.
On saturday I'll need plenty of food to switch my body clock back to normal.
I'll need another 12 hours for that.

On that day we'll be going to our "Mummy's" house
the Mother of the Assemblage, the one who was the reason behind our initial friendship.

still remember those days, the perfect times we've had in the school library.
well, very nostalgic. but i'll have my words for that later.

i noted some stuff, i read a few of them just now,
it's 5am in the morning.
I have not slept for...17 hours.
I'll sleep and wake up early (10am insyallah) tomorrow so I can settle some stuffs that require my attention early on.
This day much will be spent at home in preparation for the event tomorrow (Friday).
Maybe I'll have a good power nap around 4pm plus or sth.

friendship.
i've seen many forms, and i'm still seeing many many forms right now.
it's the one thing that interests me so much and it's keeping my thoughts moving.
friends.
and how these guys are a total difference from my..."family".
difference, it's not a bad thing, alright. hahah.
much words and thoughts, all abstracted into one comprehensive image only I can understand.

too much for my fingers to express on these square little buttons.
there's not gonna be much blogposts after this i guess.
or at least when the clock on Friday strikes Midnight 0000 hrs 16th October 2009,
there won't be a post till...maybe Sunday.
Maybe late Saturday night there might be one.
no point thinking bout that now though.


slow thoughts to end the post: "...hey, you...i wonder if you realise, or maybe have even some idea, if it would ever occur to you, that i'm considering this...that i'm attempting to develop this thing here...like a seed..i'd carefully feed, let it grow, let it show...but i'm still wondering, how on Earth does someone start with someone like you..."

-instrumental-.

my preference for instrumental music is instrumental to understanding me.

"Music bypasses logic, it communicates directly to the soul." -Yanni-

I grew up listening to instrumental, i grew up listening to Yanni and many other instrumental musicians/songwriters.
I grew up playing instrumental music, I grew up playing musical instruments.

aside from that, I grew up with an interest in science and the way things work.
I grew up talking alot and thinking alot, being introvert by nature and extrovert by nurture.

music really bypasses logic.
words can't say enough.
my version is:

"A painting speaks a thousand words, a song speaks a thousand emotions." -Syafik-

and another thing i spent thinking about today.
i was blessed to find that book at my sister's room, at first i was interested.
I found myself browsing through the book as much as I can since I couldn't find the psp charger.

from all of that in that book, i formed my own phrase....

"Forgiving does for you good, more than the one forgiven, if not as much." -Syafik-

i spent much time reflecting.


I still feel sad.
So sad.
I loved her.
But I forgave her, and I hope she forgives me, truly.

"Forgiving does not erase the past, but it does enlarge the future." - Mary Karen Read, killed in Virginia Tech shooting incident (by some mofo who lost his marbles).

i thought about the outlook, the future, the present, and with a brighter note, the past.

during raya outing with SPSilat, i learned a few things too.

and i've spotted them...
i now kinda have an idea of who they are.
those people are either going down, or they'll be forgiven.

now, times ahead,
i may need to sacrifice my social life for a while...
i must train...must i go into exile..?
i pray that this sacrifice is worth it...
and that I have enough strength and courage to last through this,
so i can come out of it better than ever.
I pray that I can make this decision properly.
as much as i won't like the decision.
maybe this is what discipline really means.

without a doubt, this is love.
=(

but with my kind of whatsitcalledagain, i dunno if i deserve this.
=(

haih.

i wonder now.

it's wide open, jump in, it's deep. it's like a sea. and the "water" in it, it's not mine, it's been invested. its ultimate origin is God, through His other many limitless servants. I want to share this.

ah well. not much words for now, especially at this hour.

well, Life's good, really.
this is just one part to it.
i have other things to take care of.
just relaxing my mind and this is what's running through my mind now.
so don't worry, dear readers.
:)